


finally dead

by kenai (orphan_account)



Category: South Park
Genre: Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-20 22:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14270634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/kenai
Summary: 'bout time.





	finally dead

The wind was cold, a bit colder than usual, making it feel sharp against Kenny's cheeks and nose. His legs dangled over the edge of the cold metal bridge, pale hands gripping onto it to keep himself steady just for now. His boots were unlaced and dirty, as always, he never actually took that few seconds out of his time to lace them up or clean them off. It didn't matter.

His shaky fingers lifted the cigarette back up to his chapped lips, the right side of his bottom lip having been split open after a fight with his brother just a couple of hours earlier. He was going to miss those days, fighting with his older brother for no reason, getting a few scrapes and bruises here and there, only to laugh it off together with a beer and a smoke afterwards.

Kenny inhaled slowly, shutting his eyes and letting himself enjoy it one last time. He lowered the cigarette back down, resting his hand on his lap and holding the toxic smoke in his probably already damaged to hell lungs. He tilted his head back when it started to give him that sweet burn in his chest, and parted his lips, exhaling and opening his eyes once more to let pale blue irises watch the fading smoke dispel into the cold air.

It was always scary thinking about it, what death was really like. Even though he'd experienced it countless times, truth be told, he never knew what  _actually_ dying was like, if that made any sense. He didn't know what it was like to  _stay_ dead rather than just wake up the next day like nothing had ever happened.

He couldn't say he wasn't looking forward to it though. He laughed quietly at the thought of it, hanging his head and staring down into his lap and just over his feet, down at the icy water of the river below him, the current splashing harshly over the rocks.

Yeah, for once in his life, Kenny was looking forward to death. No more pain, no more friends forgetting the tragedies, no more pretending like it was  _fucking okay._

If he believed hard enough in himself, it would finally be over, right?

Kenny brought his bottom lip in just passed his teeth, chewing on the dry and rough skin, forced to taste the metallic tinge of the blood drying on his lip; nothing new. The harsh wind blowing at him was making his cigarette burn out quicker than intended, the hot ash beginning to burn at his skin when it had finally reached the butt.

He ignored the heat of it prickling against his bruised knuckles, bringing it up to his lips one last time and inhaling whatever was left of it, which wasn't a lot to say the least, and tossed it down into the rushing water below.

In the moment, memories started flowing back to him, like a wave slowly riding up onto the shore, one by one.

When he'd taken on two extra jobs to help out his little sister; she wanted to get this light purple dress she had seen in the front window of a thrift store for her first school dance. It came to just below her knees maybe, it had a bit of ribbon and lace around the waist and sleeves, with multiple layers that made it a bit puffy around the bottom half of it. When Kenny handed her the box that night, she never looked so happy. Her eyes watered up and her lips pulled into a wide grin, jumping at Kenny with her arms out and holding onto him in a tight hug.

Kenny smiled at the thought, his brows pinching together.

Or when he skipped out on his classes to go hang out with Kyle and Stan, ironically in this exact spot. There was a math test that morning and neither he or Stan had studied for it; Kyle did, of course, but still skipped with them for the sake of not wanting to suffer through the day by himself without his best friends. They all brought spray paint they found in a shopping cart abandoned on the side of the road, probably belonged to someone but like they cared. All three of them came to this spot and spray painted multiple quotes or shitty drawings on the large metal bars of the lower half of the bridge.

Kenny eyed the graffiti, catching onto a few of them that he could recognize; their initials, their handwriting, good memories.

...

He was stalling.

Kenny shook his head, shutting his eyes tightly and running dirty fingers through his messy blonde hair, probably equally as dirty as his fingers if he was being honest. He took slow breaths, his other hand still gripping onto the edge of the metal platform he was still seated on. 

This was it, it was time. It was finally going to be over. He believed in himself enough for this to be over. No more pain, no more dying, no more suffering.

He repeated the words in his head, letting his body relax and his breathing go slow and deep, and even letting a smile slowly climb up to his lips. He thought of it as an eternal slumber, and he deserved that, to finally get some real rest. When was the last time he actually went to bed willingly? Getting up in the morning, living out his day, coming back home at the end of it, and  _going to bed._

Kenny can't recall if that's ever even happened, so he definitely deserved this.

Fingers gripping at the edge and his eyes opening, staring down at the rushing river which would soon become his grave, he knew he was ready. A deep breath in through the nose, a deep breath out through the mouth, shutting his eyes once more, and ending it with a push of his hands and a swing of his legs.

His stomach dropped at the feeling of falling, but it was okay. At first it seemed like time was going too slow, like he was higher than he'd estimated; that was until the first thing he felt when he hit the water was a sharp pain right in his chest. His whole body ached from the impact of hitting the water, the ice cold feeling stabbing at him like knifes. He almost regretted inflicting this pain on himself, before his head went under and he felt a split second of a sharp pain there as well, before all consciousness was lost.

Darkness, peaceful darkness. He didn't even know what was happening, that was good.

...

Until his eyes flew open.

Kenny sat up with a gasp, eyes wide and his body aching more than ever. His breathing was unsteady, he placed a hand on his chest and shut his eyes hard in an attempt to focus on keeping his breathing straight. Deep breath in, deep breath out, deep breath in, deep bre- wait a minute. Why the  _fuck_ was he breathing?

His eyes opened and he slowly lifted his head, taking in the surroundings of the very familiar dark, dull green walls of his bedroom; wallpaper peeling off, posters, discarded pill and beer bottles here and there. Wasn't too hard to recognize his own room.

...

... Kenny never sobbed harder.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to vent out some personal feelings, so i put it all into this basically.


End file.
